Monday, June 20, 2011


After an unsuccessful two million dollar attempt to shift the blame of priestly sexual deviancy to bellbottom pants, psychedelic rock music and long hair the enablers in the church were incredibly relieved that Congressman Weiner could not keep his wiener off of Twitter. The church could breathe a sigh of relief as a married, non-Christian man was the center of a full blown scandal. With fingers wagging we Catholics could once again look down at unbelieving sinners from our comfortable mountaintops and revel in our righteousness. That is, until David Letterman ruined our blissful reprise. While lambasting Rep. Weiner, Letterman compared the sexual exploits of politicians to none other than those of priests. Well, Bill Donohue of the Catholic League was not laughing. Jokes are supposed to be extremely accurate in order to be funny you see. And thus Mr. Donohue has gone about proving the joke to be tremendously unfunny.

See article here

I for one would be oblivious as how to statistically refute such a vague comparison and am glad that there are minds like Donohues’ representing our faith. He rolled up his sleeves and got down and dirty, down to the nitty gritty of counting… you guessed it, wieners. Luckily Donohue has a list of well known wieners handy for just such occasions. He reamed off a short list of some of the most famous political wieners to ever reach the nightly news. Congressmen, Senators and even Presidents (and their wieners) were singled out and paraded by our consciousness to prove the Letterman slander untrue. But the wiener arithmetic does not end there…

“Regarding priests, 149 of them are responsible for 27 percent of all the alleged cases of abuse over the past half-century—out of a total of 100,000 priests. More important, almost no priests today are the subject of allegations.”

Wow. Bravo Mr. Donohue. I had no idea that 27 percent of the wieners were actually repeat wieners. Unbeknownst to the media, 149 priest wieners have been causing much of the havoc. Though they have been seen multiple times, in all justice they should only be counted once.

Besides the single wiener - multiple appearance phenomenon that Mr. Donohue explained so aptly he also pointed out that thusfar we have not taken into account the age of the wiener (something 7 Eleven could take note of). Thanks to John Jay we know that wieners affected by the worldly philosophies of the 60’s and 70’s should also not be taken into account. These wieners simply did not have the proper formation to deal with being stuck in briefs for more than 12 hours a day.

It’s a dirty job but someone has got to do it. I for one can sleep well at night knowing that the Catholic League and Bill Donohue are hard at work keeping an accurate count of outed Catholic wieners so as to defend those wieners that have been kept faithfully in their package.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

McCain Fighting the Good Fight vs Illegals

Senator John McCain recently declared what we have all secretly been thinking. See the background info here:


I have long thought that these intruders were the perpetrators our giant forest fires and am glad someone has finally come out and said something about it. Others, seeking to avoid controversy, blame the heat, drought, lightning and other inanimate powers allowing the obvious to escape the front page of the news.

McCain is street-savvy enough to know that these poor Mexicans have no access to modern forms of communication like the cellular phone and must resort to more primitive methods of informing others of their location like the smoke signals of old. But he has left out other ways in which Illegals have been provoking massive fires all along our borders.

Have you ever had a real Mexican salsa? I mean a real homemade jalapeƱo and habanero stuffed salsa… It’s like liquid fire. One drop sets my entire mouth completely on fire. Salsa smuggling Mexicans, while being pursued by immigration authorities, often have no other option but to discard their sabrosa salsa picante; unfortunately creating a tangy recipe for a forest fire disaster. The Border Patrol now has to carry large containers of milk with them to douse these raging infernos before they get out of control.

What Mexican can go one day without a delicious corn on the cob? Their dependency on this dietary staple drives them to the extreme of cooking the corn in the most unlikely places. Even Illegals on the run must frequently stop to build a fire and roast their favourite delicacy. They often leave the still burning fires behind and flee, elotes in hand, from the Migra.

It is about time politicians began to speak out about how Illegals are ruining our country. Forest fires are only the tip of the sombrero. There are so many other issues one could mention like the pollution of our rivers by women washing their clothes by hand in them. Or the increase of obesity among our citizens due to their tantalizing burritos, tacos, flautas, huaraches, chilaquiles, and the list goes on. Car washes for just $5 is complete madness and is unsustainable. The carwash bubble will pop. You heard it here first.

While Obama roles his rrrr’s in Puerto Rico McCain is fighting the good fight on our borders and I am proud to say I voted for him. Our American bishops should take notice.

Friday, June 10, 2011


I was recently told that there is a large, well organized, international organization that actively discriminates against practising, married, faithful, Catholic men. This heinous organization denies incredible, life altering opportunities to these Catholic men and in a spirit of contempt for them pass them over; opting for Lutheran, Episcopalian, Methodists, Presbyterian, Orthodox and other denominations of Christians for important positions. As a practising, Roman Catholic I was appalled to hear that such discrimination was still allowed this day and age. Catholic men are men like any else. We pray, we love our wives, we work hard, we are intelligent, contributing members of society. A married, Catholic man is Vice President of the United States, Speaker of the House, Senators, Governors, Congressmen, Mayors, C.E.O.s of major corporations. This just cannot be…

“Which group?” I asked furiously. The response shocked me. I expected some large liberal media conglomerate, some shady medical company, some university system bent on destroying traditional values. None of these. If you haven’t figured it out yet, this large, well organized, international organization is the One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church. The life altering opportunity is the priesthood.

I know I usual slather sarcasm all over my entire posts like smooth, creamy peanut butter (mmmm… peanut butter…) but this time I will break from precedent and boldly speak my mind on a real beef I have with the Church.

I love the Church; always have. In years past I even vehemently defended the celibate priesthood. But I can no longer wrap my head around what is going on now. Before the recent developments with the Anglican ordinariate I could write off in my own mind the presence of a few “freak” minister converts who, due to pastoral sensitivity, were allowed to pursue the priesthood. But with the droves now entering in I can no longer figure it out. I am personally offended.

What does the Holy See have against us married Catholic men? Why are we so inferior? Why can Byzantine, Maronite, Orthodox, Coptic, Anglican and other protestant married men be accepted as candidates to the Roman Catholic priesthood and not Roman Catholic married men? How did we become the exception? Do we smell bad? How is it that God calls my Lutheran minister neighbour to the priesthood and the Church welcomes the idea with open arms and open minds but if I were to propose my possible calling to the same vocation I would be looked at as if I had two heads?

It just doesn’t make sense to anyone anymore. Someone please explain it to me. It’s not theological. I mean, with the issue of the ordination of women the Church has declared that it is not just a discipline but an actual theological impossibility. Not the case with marriage as is evidenced by the increasing number of married, Latin Rite, Roman Catholic priests. It’s not that they are already priests. The Church does not recognize Anglican ordinations, not to mention protestant ministers that do not even claim ordination. We used to chalk it up to a Western/Eastern thang… not anymore... as far as I know London is west of Rome.

Benny you got some splainin to do. Don’t be hating on us. We’re not that bad. The Church has got some splainin to do. Tell us! Straight up. Why do men from other denominations get a pass and baptized Catholics get snubbed?