Friday, May 20, 2011
A parish in Florida recently announced that they would pray for the soul of Osama Bin Laden in an upcoming mass. My first instinct was to approve the gesture as a realization of Christ’s exhortations:
You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbour and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. (Mt. 5:43-45)
But I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you. To him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer the other also. And from him who takes away your cloak, do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back. And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise. But if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive back, what credit is that to you? For even sinners lend to sinners to receive as much back. But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful. (Lk 6:27-36)
Forgive me for being tricked. I just figured since Osama Bin Laden was an enemy of the western world that we should pray for him as Christ mentions. But what I didn’t realize was that Osama is in that rare super-enemy category that cannot be shackled by the Gospel precepts. Though a canon lawyer could more accurately describe the characteristics of a super-enemy I am sure that contempt for the USA and the killing of thousands of innocents are among them. Adolf Hitler comes to mind, Sadam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden and so on.
A super-enemy does not deserve prayers. There is no forgiveness for super-enemies. If they strike you on the cheek, take away your cloak or ask you for something then you may hunt them down and shoot them in the eyeball. God does not make his sun rise on them nor the rain pour down on them. Just look at all of the floods and droughts in Pakistan. For the super-enemy there is no ring, no fatted calf, no cloak, and no fiesta. And if you are able to hunt that cheek-striking, cloak-stealing S.O.B. down and pump some lead into his brain don’t worry too much over it. Though St. Paul says that love “does not rejoice in evil” (1Cor 13:6)… love does rejoice in the death of super evil-doers. It is like how the angels partied all night long when St. Michael pierced the devil in the eye with his sword and cast him into the sea of fire.
We, as Christians just have to celebrate and be glad because this super-enemy was alive is now dead, was hiding and has now been found! (Lk 15 32)
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Bad-ass Catholics are sorely needed in the USA and George Weigel is leading the charge (see recent article here). If we Catholics are to take our rightful place in the conservative milieu in this country we just have to be tougher. We have been making some serious headway with big names like Boehner, convert Newt, and Santorum (Rick, not the other…). Simply put, we have achieved acceptance in the conservative inner circle and we do not want to lose it. Over the years we have convinced them of our tough conservativeness and must do all that we can to keep proper appearances up.
But, as Mr. Weigel points out, for some reason a number of “soft-minded and ill-informed religious leaders and intellectuals” do not quite grasp this point and continue to do whatever they can to ruin everything for us. They go on and on about capital punishment, preferential option for the poor, immigrant rights, just war theory, the formation of unions as a human right, protection of the environment and a host of other ridiculous issues that do nothing to further our cause.
Do these euro-stylish, red-garbed, soft bellied, intellectual flakies have any idea what we are up against here in the US of A? Evangelicals have gun racks on their pick-up trucks. They hold their worship services in sports arenas. Mike Huckabee jams with Ted Nugent and hangs out with Chuck Norris for crying out loud. Do they know how hard it is to compete? Do they know how hard it is to fit in? Do they know how hard it is for us to make George Weigel look tough? Shoot, anytime I see him I feel like punching him in the gut and stealing his wallet.
We used to be so tough! What ever happened to the good old days of the Crusades and the Inquisition? Popes used to kick ass. Medeival popes would have given a plenary indulgence for shooting a Muslim warrior in the eye. And water boarding sounds like a day at the beach compared to the hurt we used to inflict on unbelievers. Anathemas, excommunications, battles, SAINT JAMES THE MOOR SLAYER… now that is bad-ass Catholicism.
If right-wing protestant conservatives ever found out how little Catholic social teachings actually have in common with their own values they would shun as they would shun a gay, illegal immigrant imam. So I’m with Weigel. Let’s tell the clergy, the intellectuals, the pope and whoever else dares to criticize American bad-assism to shut their pie-holes and allow us to enjoy this golden era of Catholic-American conservatism before the protestants see Pope Benedict’s red clogs and all becomes lost.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
I was recently very enlightened by reading the somewhat controversial article written by Dr. John Zmirak for Crisis Magazine’s Politics Blog. It convicted me of being something that I had always fought against; namely abortion. I had always considered myself to be staunchly pro-life until I read Amnesty Equals Abortion. Instead of rehashing the whole article I have decided to boil his whole argument down to a simple syllogism. Luckily I was blessed to have taken Logic 101 in university and am able to accomplish this.
1st Premise: Anyone who supports the granting of citizenship (and the right to vote) to a group that traditionally votes for Democrats is not pro-life.
2nd Premise: Latin American Immigrants traditionally vote for Democrats.
Conclusion: Anyone who supports granting citizenship to Latin American Immigrants is not pro-life.
Now, following the logic of this syllogism I was able to single out other groups who will no longer have my support as voting citizens in the USA. They include but are not limited to:
Non-Christians in general
Post-Graduate degree holders
Those under the age of 30
Those with an income of less than $50,000 per year
Those who are non-military
Hence the title of this article… There are not many left to vote but I am sure that the older, less educated, rich, white, protestant, military personnel will do a fine job guiding our country’s future!
Thursday, May 12, 2011
It is such a relief to have a true Catholic Speaker of the House now serving our country and in the spotlight. But that does not mean that controversy has been completely quelled. As Mr. Boehner prepares for his commencement address and reception of the honorary doctorate from the Catholic University of America some Catholics are not as chipper as you would expect them to be. This is due to the simple fact that they do not truly understand the hierarchy in Catholic social teaching. Lemme explain.
Abortion is at the top of the list. In fact it is at the top, separated from the list completely in an all important list of one. It is the issue that trumps all other issues. It is like a giant tintinnabulum that overshadows all other teachings rendering them obsolete. All ordinances, encyclicals, bulls, catechisms, promulgations and Gospel exhortations bow down before the might of the issue of abortion. Pope Benedict himself said something similar to this before he was pope, though I do not have the exact quote at hand.
The Church, you see, is hierarchical. The Pope is head of the Church, Latin is the head of all languages, the man is the head of the woman and abortion is the head of morality. The body of Catholic moral teaching is a conglomerate of minor issues that are not essential to the true Catholic identity. A Catholic can, in good conscience, pry an illegal Mexican immigrant from his family and waterboard him in order to gather reconnaissance to bring down unions and end health care for the poor as long as he does not support abortion. Boehner understands this and implements it into his political life. He knows that Christ’s desire was for the poor to always be with us and that they are blessed who do not have access to health care. He realizes that taxes are stealing. He realizes that it is hard for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of heaven and that they need all of the help that they can get.
Some say that this is “cafeteria Catholicism”… well, maybe it is. But who can possibly choose everything the cafeteria has to offer anyways? If Catholicism is a cafeteria I prefer to chow down on the steak and potatoes of abortion rather than piddle around with the ketchup packets of social justice any day of the week, except Fridays of course.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Many miles of blogspot comboxery has been used in the attempt to anathemize or defend Catholic women’s use of pants. While I applaud these efforts I feel that another pressing issue in the area of female apparel has been sorely neglected; namely, the running shoe. The women’s running shoe is at the heart of the voracious modernist agenda which seeks to destroy our once pristine, Latin worshipping society.
First of all, we must ponder what women would pretend to do in running shoes. Running, though more common among suburban women these days, is not a feminine activity. It is heinously immodest at best and leads to death. Death you say? Yes, death! Women must be sensitive to the weakness of their male counterparts. By jogging around the neighbourhood, men are very easily distracted from driving and keeping their eyes on the road. Sexy jogging movements are most definitely un-Catholic and impure.
Running shoes are at the heart of the anti-life agenda. What woman with 15 children has time to jog around the block in the morning and evening? How can a pregnant woman jog? Running shoes have done more to promote birth control than Planned Parenthood.
But, wait! There are more purity issues! Running shoes and jogging brings with them a host of un-Catholic, impure accessories. Not to open up the heated skirt/pants debate but when was the last time you saw a woman jogging in a long skirt? T-shirts, shorts, headbands, wristbands, watches and a host of other male articles of clothing cooperates with the modernist agenda of the homogenization of the sexes. They are the beginning of a slippery slope that has led to the WNBA and the popularity of the Ellen Degeneres Show.
While some diligent Catholic theologians have done a marvellous job of exposing the Protestantness of fast food restaurants they have simply dropped the ball when it comes to the running shoe. Catholics don’t run… we walk, slowly. And the slower we walk the more pius and holy we seem to be. While other modernist non-profit causes implement the glaringly anti-Catholic marathon to increase knowledge of their activities the Catholic Church maintains her time honoured tradition of the procession.
Getting fit is communist anyways as Rush Limbaugh has pointed out concerning Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move” initiative. We are a festive bunch who celebrate the virtues of our holy people by large meals and desserts. We have our own diets worked into the liturgical calendar (Advent and Lent).
We are a festive, procession people who wish to keep the sexes looking different. While jogging has no place in Catholic culture, women should be especially on guard. This new-fangled type of foot-ware might jog you right into your nearest protestant church, or, worse yet, gym.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Well, Cinco de Mayo has come and gone and my margarita headache has immobilized me yet another year. In the process of expelling this sweet nectar from my system I often ponder on language and its importance in the fight for conservative values. Don’t take my margarita madness for sympathy though. America is English; speaking that is, not British. The term should really be ‘American English’ or simply ‘American’ so as to distinguish it from the European counterpart. American English is the greatest of all of the spoken tongues as is evidenced by its popularity throughout the world. It is part of the value system that our founding fathers established for us and that has been passed down to us up until today. From the golden coast of California to the sunshine coast of Florida, from the Bayeux of Louisiana up to the Motor City of Detroit, our heritage is the glorious English language. The illegal invasion of Mexicans into our most cherished American English states (California, Texas, Florida, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, Colorado, etc.) is an affront to our American heritage. American should be the language spoken on our hallowed territory at all times, except in worship, where we should speak Latin. Latin you see is the heavenly language spoken by the angels and by Christ himself (see The Passion by Mel Gisbson). Its sacredness comes from the fact that it is a dead language. The true scriptures come from the Latin Vulgate, which contains the original Catholic texts of the Holy Book. If the Latin Vulgate cannot be read by the faithful then the Douay-Rheims English version should be used. Its English is even more sacred due to its rare spellings and no longer used vocabulary. It is not a dead language, but a dead way of speaking, which makes it more reverent. True Catholic Americans worship in Latin as did our Catholic fathers and grandfathers. The Latin pronunciation in America carries a different accent than in the rest of the world; an American accent you could say, giving it its own particular American flavour. It is an American Latin, you could say. America is a land of traditions, language being one of our greatest treasures. In closing it could be said that the true conservative Catholics are English and Latin Americans who revere English above all else, except dead Latin and half-dead English.
Monday, May 2, 2011
It all began at the end… of the Prince William – Kate Middleton wedding. Members of the media were in chaos. Come Monday there would be nothing to report… The news had been left behind for so long, with the media’s efforts so squarely focused on this non-news event that, like any great bender, it all came crashing down the next morning. The royal wedding hangover was in full effect on Sunday as media correspondents scrambled frantically for something to grasp to. With all hope lost they turned to the events being carried out in the eternal city. The Catholic Church is always a great source of news when there is nothing else to report on. They sought to tap the goldmine once again. But as the solemn mass proceeded in an aura of peace and fellowship, hearts and minds changed. Crisis turned to a religious moment. The media turned to prayer imploring the intercession of Blessed John Paul II for something; some tidbit of news that they can throw up quickly on their programs as they await the next exploitable event. The conversion of these hardened hearts moved the newest blessed and he heard their prayers and he delivered in a way that no one foresaw. While some attempt to connect the Catholic feast day dots to create a super hyper spiritual Marian conspiracy mega-event (beatification, Divine Mercy, Mary, Queen of Heaven, month of May, Sunday, stars aligned, etc…) some may never understand the gravity of the real miracle that took place yesterday: A Grinch-like heart expansion in the interior of the representatives of the media caught the eye of the recently beatified Pontiff and he delivered.