Saturday, May 7, 2011

Why Catholic Women Should Not Wear Running Shoes

Many miles of blogspot comboxery has been used in the attempt to anathemize or defend Catholic women’s use of pants. While I applaud these efforts I feel that another pressing issue in the area of female apparel has been sorely neglected; namely, the running shoe. The women’s running shoe is at the heart of the voracious modernist agenda which seeks to destroy our once pristine, Latin worshipping society.

First of all, we must ponder what women would pretend to do in running shoes. Running, though more common among suburban women these days, is not a feminine activity. It is heinously immodest at best and leads to death. Death you say? Yes, death! Women must be sensitive to the weakness of their male counterparts. By jogging around the neighbourhood, men are very easily distracted from driving and keeping their eyes on the road. Sexy jogging movements are most definitely un-Catholic and impure.

Running shoes are at the heart of the anti-life agenda. What woman with 15 children has time to jog around the block in the morning and evening? How can a pregnant woman jog? Running shoes have done more to promote birth control than Planned Parenthood.

But, wait! There are more purity issues! Running shoes and jogging brings with them a host of un-Catholic, impure accessories. Not to open up the heated skirt/pants debate but when was the last time you saw a woman jogging in a long skirt? T-shirts, shorts, headbands, wristbands, watches and a host of other male articles of clothing cooperates with the modernist agenda of the homogenization of the sexes. They are the beginning of a slippery slope that has led to the WNBA and the popularity of the Ellen Degeneres Show.

While some diligent Catholic theologians have done a marvellous job of exposing the Protestantness of fast food restaurants they have simply dropped the ball when it comes to the running shoe. Catholics don’t run… we walk, slowly. And the slower we walk the more pius and holy we seem to be. While other modernist non-profit causes implement the glaringly anti-Catholic marathon to increase knowledge of their activities the Catholic Church maintains her time honoured tradition of the procession.

Getting fit is communist anyways as Rush Limbaugh has pointed out concerning Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move” initiative. We are a festive bunch who celebrate the virtues of our holy people by large meals and desserts. We have our own diets worked into the liturgical calendar (Advent and Lent).

We are a festive, procession people who wish to keep the sexes looking different. While jogging has no place in Catholic culture, women should be especially on guard. This new-fangled type of foot-ware might jog you right into your nearest protestant church, or, worse yet, gym.


  1. If this entire article is not tongue in cheek, then you are indeed a blithering idiot.