Monday, June 20, 2011


After an unsuccessful two million dollar attempt to shift the blame of priestly sexual deviancy to bellbottom pants, psychedelic rock music and long hair the enablers in the church were incredibly relieved that Congressman Weiner could not keep his wiener off of Twitter. The church could breathe a sigh of relief as a married, non-Christian man was the center of a full blown scandal. With fingers wagging we Catholics could once again look down at unbelieving sinners from our comfortable mountaintops and revel in our righteousness. That is, until David Letterman ruined our blissful reprise. While lambasting Rep. Weiner, Letterman compared the sexual exploits of politicians to none other than those of priests. Well, Bill Donohue of the Catholic League was not laughing. Jokes are supposed to be extremely accurate in order to be funny you see. And thus Mr. Donohue has gone about proving the joke to be tremendously unfunny.

See article here

I for one would be oblivious as how to statistically refute such a vague comparison and am glad that there are minds like Donohues’ representing our faith. He rolled up his sleeves and got down and dirty, down to the nitty gritty of counting… you guessed it, wieners. Luckily Donohue has a list of well known wieners handy for just such occasions. He reamed off a short list of some of the most famous political wieners to ever reach the nightly news. Congressmen, Senators and even Presidents (and their wieners) were singled out and paraded by our consciousness to prove the Letterman slander untrue. But the wiener arithmetic does not end there…

“Regarding priests, 149 of them are responsible for 27 percent of all the alleged cases of abuse over the past half-century—out of a total of 100,000 priests. More important, almost no priests today are the subject of allegations.”

Wow. Bravo Mr. Donohue. I had no idea that 27 percent of the wieners were actually repeat wieners. Unbeknownst to the media, 149 priest wieners have been causing much of the havoc. Though they have been seen multiple times, in all justice they should only be counted once.

Besides the single wiener - multiple appearance phenomenon that Mr. Donohue explained so aptly he also pointed out that thusfar we have not taken into account the age of the wiener (something 7 Eleven could take note of). Thanks to John Jay we know that wieners affected by the worldly philosophies of the 60’s and 70’s should also not be taken into account. These wieners simply did not have the proper formation to deal with being stuck in briefs for more than 12 hours a day.

It’s a dirty job but someone has got to do it. I for one can sleep well at night knowing that the Catholic League and Bill Donohue are hard at work keeping an accurate count of outed Catholic wieners so as to defend those wieners that have been kept faithfully in their package.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

McCain Fighting the Good Fight vs Illegals

Senator John McCain recently declared what we have all secretly been thinking. See the background info here:


I have long thought that these intruders were the perpetrators our giant forest fires and am glad someone has finally come out and said something about it. Others, seeking to avoid controversy, blame the heat, drought, lightning and other inanimate powers allowing the obvious to escape the front page of the news.

McCain is street-savvy enough to know that these poor Mexicans have no access to modern forms of communication like the cellular phone and must resort to more primitive methods of informing others of their location like the smoke signals of old. But he has left out other ways in which Illegals have been provoking massive fires all along our borders.

Have you ever had a real Mexican salsa? I mean a real homemade jalapeƱo and habanero stuffed salsa… It’s like liquid fire. One drop sets my entire mouth completely on fire. Salsa smuggling Mexicans, while being pursued by immigration authorities, often have no other option but to discard their sabrosa salsa picante; unfortunately creating a tangy recipe for a forest fire disaster. The Border Patrol now has to carry large containers of milk with them to douse these raging infernos before they get out of control.

What Mexican can go one day without a delicious corn on the cob? Their dependency on this dietary staple drives them to the extreme of cooking the corn in the most unlikely places. Even Illegals on the run must frequently stop to build a fire and roast their favourite delicacy. They often leave the still burning fires behind and flee, elotes in hand, from the Migra.

It is about time politicians began to speak out about how Illegals are ruining our country. Forest fires are only the tip of the sombrero. There are so many other issues one could mention like the pollution of our rivers by women washing their clothes by hand in them. Or the increase of obesity among our citizens due to their tantalizing burritos, tacos, flautas, huaraches, chilaquiles, and the list goes on. Car washes for just $5 is complete madness and is unsustainable. The carwash bubble will pop. You heard it here first.

While Obama roles his rrrr’s in Puerto Rico McCain is fighting the good fight on our borders and I am proud to say I voted for him. Our American bishops should take notice.

Friday, June 10, 2011


I was recently told that there is a large, well organized, international organization that actively discriminates against practising, married, faithful, Catholic men. This heinous organization denies incredible, life altering opportunities to these Catholic men and in a spirit of contempt for them pass them over; opting for Lutheran, Episcopalian, Methodists, Presbyterian, Orthodox and other denominations of Christians for important positions. As a practising, Roman Catholic I was appalled to hear that such discrimination was still allowed this day and age. Catholic men are men like any else. We pray, we love our wives, we work hard, we are intelligent, contributing members of society. A married, Catholic man is Vice President of the United States, Speaker of the House, Senators, Governors, Congressmen, Mayors, C.E.O.s of major corporations. This just cannot be…

“Which group?” I asked furiously. The response shocked me. I expected some large liberal media conglomerate, some shady medical company, some university system bent on destroying traditional values. None of these. If you haven’t figured it out yet, this large, well organized, international organization is the One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church. The life altering opportunity is the priesthood.

I know I usual slather sarcasm all over my entire posts like smooth, creamy peanut butter (mmmm… peanut butter…) but this time I will break from precedent and boldly speak my mind on a real beef I have with the Church.

I love the Church; always have. In years past I even vehemently defended the celibate priesthood. But I can no longer wrap my head around what is going on now. Before the recent developments with the Anglican ordinariate I could write off in my own mind the presence of a few “freak” minister converts who, due to pastoral sensitivity, were allowed to pursue the priesthood. But with the droves now entering in I can no longer figure it out. I am personally offended.

What does the Holy See have against us married Catholic men? Why are we so inferior? Why can Byzantine, Maronite, Orthodox, Coptic, Anglican and other protestant married men be accepted as candidates to the Roman Catholic priesthood and not Roman Catholic married men? How did we become the exception? Do we smell bad? How is it that God calls my Lutheran minister neighbour to the priesthood and the Church welcomes the idea with open arms and open minds but if I were to propose my possible calling to the same vocation I would be looked at as if I had two heads?

It just doesn’t make sense to anyone anymore. Someone please explain it to me. It’s not theological. I mean, with the issue of the ordination of women the Church has declared that it is not just a discipline but an actual theological impossibility. Not the case with marriage as is evidenced by the increasing number of married, Latin Rite, Roman Catholic priests. It’s not that they are already priests. The Church does not recognize Anglican ordinations, not to mention protestant ministers that do not even claim ordination. We used to chalk it up to a Western/Eastern thang… not anymore... as far as I know London is west of Rome.

Benny you got some splainin to do. Don’t be hating on us. We’re not that bad. The Church has got some splainin to do. Tell us! Straight up. Why do men from other denominations get a pass and baptized Catholics get snubbed?

Friday, May 20, 2011


A parish in Florida recently announced that they would pray for the soul of Osama Bin Laden in an upcoming mass. My first instinct was to approve the gesture as a realization of Christ’s exhortations:

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbour and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. (Mt. 5:43-45)

But I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you. To him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer the other also. And from him who takes away your cloak, do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back. And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise. But if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive back, what credit is that to you? For even sinners lend to sinners to receive as much back. But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful. (Lk 6:27-36)

Forgive me for being tricked. I just figured since Osama Bin Laden was an enemy of the western world that we should pray for him as Christ mentions. But what I didn’t realize was that Osama is in that rare super-enemy category that cannot be shackled by the Gospel precepts. Though a canon lawyer could more accurately describe the characteristics of a super-enemy I am sure that contempt for the USA and the killing of thousands of innocents are among them. Adolf Hitler comes to mind, Sadam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden and so on.

A super-enemy does not deserve prayers. There is no forgiveness for super-enemies. If they strike you on the cheek, take away your cloak or ask you for something then you may hunt them down and shoot them in the eyeball. God does not make his sun rise on them nor the rain pour down on them. Just look at all of the floods and droughts in Pakistan. For the super-enemy there is no ring, no fatted calf, no cloak, and no fiesta. And if you are able to hunt that cheek-striking, cloak-stealing S.O.B. down and pump some lead into his brain don’t worry too much over it. Though St. Paul says that love “does not rejoice in evil” (1Cor 13:6)… love does rejoice in the death of super evil-doers. It is like how the angels partied all night long when St. Michael pierced the devil in the eye with his sword and cast him into the sea of fire.

We, as Christians just have to celebrate and be glad because this super-enemy was alive is now dead, was hiding and has now been found! (Lk 15 32)

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


Bad-ass Catholics are sorely needed in the USA and George Weigel is leading the charge (see recent article here). If we Catholics are to take our rightful place in the conservative milieu in this country we just have to be tougher. We have been making some serious headway with big names like Boehner, convert Newt, and Santorum (Rick, not the other…). Simply put, we have achieved acceptance in the conservative inner circle and we do not want to lose it. Over the years we have convinced them of our tough conservativeness and must do all that we can to keep proper appearances up.

But, as Mr. Weigel points out, for some reason a number of “soft-minded and ill-informed religious leaders and intellectuals” do not quite grasp this point and continue to do whatever they can to ruin everything for us. They go on and on about capital punishment, preferential option for the poor, immigrant rights, just war theory, the formation of unions as a human right, protection of the environment and a host of other ridiculous issues that do nothing to further our cause.

Do these euro-stylish, red-garbed, soft bellied, intellectual flakies have any idea what we are up against here in the US of A? Evangelicals have gun racks on their pick-up trucks. They hold their worship services in sports arenas. Mike Huckabee jams with Ted Nugent and hangs out with Chuck Norris for crying out loud. Do they know how hard it is to compete? Do they know how hard it is to fit in? Do they know how hard it is for us to make George Weigel look tough? Shoot, anytime I see him I feel like punching him in the gut and stealing his wallet.

We used to be so tough! What ever happened to the good old days of the Crusades and the Inquisition? Popes used to kick ass. Medeival popes would have given a plenary indulgence for shooting a Muslim warrior in the eye. And water boarding sounds like a day at the beach compared to the hurt we used to inflict on unbelievers. Anathemas, excommunications, battles, SAINT JAMES THE MOOR SLAYER… now that is bad-ass Catholicism.

If right-wing protestant conservatives ever found out how little Catholic social teachings actually have in common with their own values they would shun as they would shun a gay, illegal immigrant imam. So I’m with Weigel. Let’s tell the clergy, the intellectuals, the pope and whoever else dares to criticize American bad-assism to shut their pie-holes and allow us to enjoy this golden era of Catholic-American conservatism before the protestants see Pope Benedict’s red clogs and all becomes lost.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Young, Black, Catholic Women with PhDs equals Abortion

I was recently very enlightened by reading the somewhat controversial article written by Dr. John Zmirak for Crisis Magazine’s Politics Blog. It convicted me of being something that I had always fought against; namely abortion. I had always considered myself to be staunchly pro-life until I read Amnesty Equals Abortion. Instead of rehashing the whole article I have decided to boil his whole argument down to a simple syllogism. Luckily I was blessed to have taken Logic 101 in university and am able to accomplish this.

1st Premise: Anyone who supports the granting of citizenship (and the right to vote) to a group that traditionally votes for Democrats is not pro-life.

2nd Premise: Latin American Immigrants traditionally vote for Democrats.

Conclusion: Anyone who supports granting citizenship to Latin American Immigrants is not pro-life.

Now, following the logic of this syllogism I was able to single out other groups who will no longer have my support as voting citizens in the USA. They include but are not limited to:

African Americans
Native Americans
Non-Christians in general
Post-Graduate degree holders
Those under the age of 30
Those with an income of less than $50,000 per year
Those who are non-military

Hence the title of this article… There are not many left to vote but I am sure that the older, less educated, rich, white, protestant, military personnel will do a fine job guiding our country’s future!

Thursday, May 12, 2011


It is such a relief to have a true Catholic Speaker of the House now serving our country and in the spotlight. But that does not mean that controversy has been completely quelled. As Mr. Boehner prepares for his commencement address and reception of the honorary doctorate from the Catholic University of America some Catholics are not as chipper as you would expect them to be. This is due to the simple fact that they do not truly understand the hierarchy in Catholic social teaching. Lemme explain.

Abortion is at the top of the list. In fact it is at the top, separated from the list completely in an all important list of one. It is the issue that trumps all other issues. It is like a giant tintinnabulum that overshadows all other teachings rendering them obsolete. All ordinances, encyclicals, bulls, catechisms, promulgations and Gospel exhortations bow down before the might of the issue of abortion. Pope Benedict himself said something similar to this before he was pope, though I do not have the exact quote at hand.

The Church, you see, is hierarchical. The Pope is head of the Church, Latin is the head of all languages, the man is the head of the woman and abortion is the head of morality. The body of Catholic moral teaching is a conglomerate of minor issues that are not essential to the true Catholic identity. A Catholic can, in good conscience, pry an illegal Mexican immigrant from his family and waterboard him in order to gather reconnaissance to bring down unions and end health care for the poor as long as he does not support abortion. Boehner understands this and implements it into his political life. He knows that Christ’s desire was for the poor to always be with us and that they are blessed who do not have access to health care. He realizes that taxes are stealing. He realizes that it is hard for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of heaven and that they need all of the help that they can get.

Some say that this is “cafeteria Catholicism”… well, maybe it is. But who can possibly choose everything the cafeteria has to offer anyways? If Catholicism is a cafeteria I prefer to chow down on the steak and potatoes of abortion rather than piddle around with the ketchup packets of social justice any day of the week, except Fridays of course.