Monday, June 20, 2011


After an unsuccessful two million dollar attempt to shift the blame of priestly sexual deviancy to bellbottom pants, psychedelic rock music and long hair the enablers in the church were incredibly relieved that Congressman Weiner could not keep his wiener off of Twitter. The church could breathe a sigh of relief as a married, non-Christian man was the center of a full blown scandal. With fingers wagging we Catholics could once again look down at unbelieving sinners from our comfortable mountaintops and revel in our righteousness. That is, until David Letterman ruined our blissful reprise. While lambasting Rep. Weiner, Letterman compared the sexual exploits of politicians to none other than those of priests. Well, Bill Donohue of the Catholic League was not laughing. Jokes are supposed to be extremely accurate in order to be funny you see. And thus Mr. Donohue has gone about proving the joke to be tremendously unfunny.

See article here

I for one would be oblivious as how to statistically refute such a vague comparison and am glad that there are minds like Donohues’ representing our faith. He rolled up his sleeves and got down and dirty, down to the nitty gritty of counting… you guessed it, wieners. Luckily Donohue has a list of well known wieners handy for just such occasions. He reamed off a short list of some of the most famous political wieners to ever reach the nightly news. Congressmen, Senators and even Presidents (and their wieners) were singled out and paraded by our consciousness to prove the Letterman slander untrue. But the wiener arithmetic does not end there…

“Regarding priests, 149 of them are responsible for 27 percent of all the alleged cases of abuse over the past half-century—out of a total of 100,000 priests. More important, almost no priests today are the subject of allegations.”

Wow. Bravo Mr. Donohue. I had no idea that 27 percent of the wieners were actually repeat wieners. Unbeknownst to the media, 149 priest wieners have been causing much of the havoc. Though they have been seen multiple times, in all justice they should only be counted once.

Besides the single wiener - multiple appearance phenomenon that Mr. Donohue explained so aptly he also pointed out that thusfar we have not taken into account the age of the wiener (something 7 Eleven could take note of). Thanks to John Jay we know that wieners affected by the worldly philosophies of the 60’s and 70’s should also not be taken into account. These wieners simply did not have the proper formation to deal with being stuck in briefs for more than 12 hours a day.

It’s a dirty job but someone has got to do it. I for one can sleep well at night knowing that the Catholic League and Bill Donohue are hard at work keeping an accurate count of outed Catholic wieners so as to defend those wieners that have been kept faithfully in their package.


  1. This also means that the 149, like Fr Geoghan who had over 150 victims, were moved around by bishops who knew about it and didn't care if future children were raped.

    Horrific church.

  2. Donohue seems to be taking great pains, and a bit of glee, to keep a list of those guilty of what he deems “improprieties”, and I am sure most were not crimes. But he reminds me of Gilbert And Sullivan's character in THE MIKADO----Ko Ko, the "Lord High Executioner" who sings gleefully about a list he keeps of people, though not guilty of a crime, but guilty of ANNOYING him....and 'never would be missed' if they were quietly executed....Ko Ko is comic relief...Donohue and his lists are just bone-chilling...

    If you are not familiar with The Mikado-here is the first verse of the's worth listening to if you can.

    "As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
    I've got a little list — I've got a little list
    Of society offenders who might well be underground,
    And who never would be missed — who never would be missed!
    There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs —
    All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs —
    All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat —
    All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that —
    And all third persons who on spoiling tête-á-têtes insist —
    They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!